KU News Release

LAWRENCE — Chocolates, flowers and romantic cards may not be the real underpinnings of Feb. 14. According to a researcher of interpersonal communication at the University of Kansas, a need to “save face” could be at the heart of Valentine’s Day.

“There are two kinds of face that we’re all concerned with,” said Adrianne Kunkel, associate professor of communication studies. “Positive face is the desire to be approved of by others. Negative face is the desire for autonomy and freedom from unnecessary imposition. Thus, saving face means helping anyone to avoid embarrassment and maintain dignity, or to reduce a sense of constraint.”

Because of the need to save face, Kunkel said, Valentine’s Day offers an excellent opening for those seeking an amorous relationship. Indeed, a prospective love interest could be more ready to become romantically involved to celebrate the holiday.

“On Valentine’s Day, those who are alone are already dealing with face issues,” the KU researcher said. “Positive face is violated by perceptions of self as unattached and lonely. Some people can’t even stand to go into the drug store and be blinded by the barrage of red, pink and chocolate. Also, negative face is violated by the specter of having to go solo on the holiday. So the initiator or date-seeker may be seen as the solution to these problems and have more of a chance of succeeding than usual.”

According to Kunkel, a person casually dating his or her love interest might use Valentine’s Day as an incentive to deepen the romance.

“Someone hoping to intensify commitment in a relationship may benefit from his or her partner’s special sense of negative face on Valentine’s Day,” she said. “He or she may feel obligated to accept such an offer and not spoil the celebration.”

Kunkel warns that Valentine’s Day could represent a threat to those who seek to disengage from an existing romantic relationship or those freshly separated from a romantic partner.

“Due to social norms and the huge commercialization of the holiday — it’s the second biggest day for the greeting card industry behind Christmas — there’s pressure to be involved with someone on Valentine’s Day,” said Kunkel. “So for the newly broken up, there is the extra loser-loner stigma that creates a positive face threat in February. You are also potentially placing your partner or ex-partner-to-be in that undesired role and thus threatening his or her negative face.”

Kunkel adds that men are confronted with the extra burden of being expected to be especially generous in buying gifts, dinner, flowers and candy. So, a February breakup could be seen as a mark of being cheap or a jerk, which is another positive face threat.

“I have even heard of the ‘turkey drop’ where partners are dispensed around Thanksgiving to avoid buying gifts or other holiday obligations such as family dinners,” said Kunkel. “Most probably think it would be even more heartless to do that around Valentine’s Day.”

For people without an active romance, Kunkel said Valentine’s Day could be a risk-filled time of year.

“One thing that those not in relationships are notorious for doing around Valentine’s Day is calling a past flame or an ex just to avoid spending the holiday alone,” she said. “It’s like a seasonal equivalent of the ‘drunk dialing’ phenomenon.”

Kunkel has researched intimate relationships and the way people engaged in those relationships communicate. She recently was the coauthor of “Identity implications of relationship (re)definition goals: An analysis of face threats and facework as young adults initiate, intensify, and disengage from romantic relationships” published last year in the Journal of Language and Social Psychology.

Classes she teaches include Introduction to Interpersonal Communication Theory and Advanced Interpersonal Communication: Theories and Research. She also regularly teaches an undergraduate course in Communication and Gender and graduate-level seminars in Social Support and Research Methods.